Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Who I am

Well. Some would say that I have failed. And there have been a few moments where I have felt the same way. Blogging for 31 days. Didn't happen. But trust me- Ive learned alot of things about myself and the people around me this month. And once again, alot of them are just too darn personal for sharing.

I've learned that Im not an every day blogger. I cant just sit down at a computer every day and make myself write something thats going to mean something to someone. Mine come in waves. I write most days in my journal. But Im learning that not everyone wants to hear how hard things are every day. And alot of days- its hard to post positive, exciting, fun things. Broc and I are in a CRAZY season... A season thats lasted a couple of years and taken some crazy twists.

I have learned that my whole life has changed and I havent really sat down and let it sink in. Im no longer a stay at home mom and Im no longer a youth pastors wife.  All of my life.. from my very youngest teenage years- I knew I wanted to be a youth pastors wife and a stay at home mom. Thats all. But no one ever told me how hard ministry would be. And no one ever told us what to do if/when it came to an end.  Us in the ministry- we are realllllly good at slapping a big ol' smile on our faces at all times. We are really good at pretending that everything is ok- and that our home lives are not falling apart. We are really good at pretending that we are having this rocking relationship with Christ and that we arent having any doubts or questions. I was really good at it... until it became too much.

So here I am. 28, mother to a special needs child, a wife to a husband who is trying to find his way outside of ministry in a business world that doesnt care what he's done in his "job life" because he was "only a pastor", a more than full time working woman who worries about bills constantly, and doesnt recognize herself in the mirror most days.

So what do you do when the life you dreamed of changes? Im not who I was. We arent who we were. Its heart wrenching watching my husband who has been doing ministry for 15 plus years find himself outside of all that. Your identity gets so wrapped up in that role. He has struggled. He's been lonely. All of the sudden the people who were closer than family and were spiritual helpers havent even called to check on you or just make sure you're ok as a man. He has put God on the back burner at times. But I am so proud of who he is today and the man he's striving to be tomorrow. He's no longer defined as a youth pastor, the youth pastor I was dreaming of marrying- He's finding himself and we are growing together into something totally new.

We have stopped making Izaiah take naps during the day. Sigh. I didnt realize how much I was missing his naps until we made him lay down the other day, because he was so cranky he couldnt function after lunch and therapy. Broc left to pick up furniture and I sat down on the couch alone and just started crying. I didnt know why I was crying at first, then it hit me. Im no longer a stay at home momma. Im an exhausted working momma. One that works more than full time. I work when Izaiah goes to sleep. I work in the mornings and most of the day. I feel out of control most days and miss having my days with just Izaiah and I hanging out at home. My crying turned into asking God for the strength and clarity of mind to make a schedule that allows me time to still be a stay at home momma with my special boy.

I commend you working mommas. Its a hard, hard task. Trying to decide whats more important when work isnt demanding your attention. Washing bed sheets that havent been washed in 3 weeks or getting in the floor to run cars with a blue eyed boy whos patiently been eyeing me while I sit at my computer marketing our furniture and answering questions. Guilt. Lots and lots of guilt.

So thats been my prayer and what Im learning about myself  in the last 31 days. Asking Jesus to take the guilt and helping me to play with my baby with a guilt free heart. It hasnt been about weight loss after all. But, I am happy to say, I am losing weight and feeling great! But the weight of guilt is really what Im learning to shed.

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