Day 1: Pretending

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving? 

10th Avenue North- Times

This song hit me like a hurricane yesterday morning. You know how you know a song and kinda mumble the words that you catch on to and you dont really hear what your saying or what the song has to offer? I was getting ready, putting my makeup on yesterday morning and being prayerful about accepting the blog challenge... This song came on my Charlie Hall Pandora station and a few lines hit me right in the gut. 

Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become? 

I sat wiping tears and letting my true feelings about myself come to the surface. Long enough to be real about them and real enough to let the tears wash them away. 

I, we, are so good at pretending. We pretend and then we defend. I notice when I pretend that things are together and things are groovy as gravy and that I am a sad victim of my weight- I have a defensive attitude. I have a million reasons as to why the number on the scale is what it is in the mornings and most of them have nothing to do with me taking any ownership.  But the truth of the matter is, Im tired of pretending that number is ok and defending why it should be able to stay. Im tired of living in fear and anxiety every moment. An anxious, fearful, moody, and defeated person is what I have become. Its time to get real with myself. With yourself. What have you become? What are you defending and pretending? 

As the tears fell yesterday, He was quick to swoop in and minister to my vulnerable and breaking heart....

 
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

So thankful for this song. At that very moment and every moment since. Its ministered to me so much.Here is a link to the song with the lyrics. Would you take 5 minutes? Get in a quiet place by yourself. Listen to it and read the lyrics, then play it again and just close your eyes and let it soak in. You wont be disappointed. 

Love you all!