Monday, June 27, 2011

I Felt Beautiful

I felt beautiful this night. 
Outwardly, yes. But most of all, inwardly
I could feel the changes that have been 
taking place somewhere deep in my soul.
They were rising to the surface this night. 
I felt confident and free spirited. 
Something about a whimsical, beautiful wedding
of a breathtaking bride- pure in
every sense of the word- that makes
you smile, soul to face.
She (the bride) truly was, is, breathtaking.
I will never forget her or her handsome 
groom that night... but more than that,
 I will never forget the "me"coming out.
 Broc smiled at me as 
we were dancing under the stars
and gorgeous mason jar lights...
 and in his eyes I could read what I was feeling...
the depression was gone that night, 
and the free spirited, lover of life he
married was back... and we were
truly enjoying life
We danced, took pictures, laughed, 
drank some scrumptious champagne,
(well, I did..."pastor Broc" didnt :))
and mingled with friends of a lifetime.
It was a night to remember
I can still picture it in my heart. 
And I will go back to that night
anytime I wanna give up. 
I felt beautiful, I am beautiful.
This is the journey I am traveling.

Unsettle Me

  I am reading Made To Crave for the second time through. I absolutely love this book and would suggest it to anyone with a food addiction or anyone who is just always struggling to lose weight. Through my journey, I have learned that combatting weight is a manifestation of an inward problem/battle. I used to laugh at that accusation and think I was the ONLY exception. I was wrong. I do have an inward battle. And in 5 years, it manifested with a 115 pound weight gain. The depression is lifting and Jesus is setting me free.. But now I have the manifestation to deal with! But "dealing" with it is just what I am doing. And I am excited about the journey. I have 155 pounds to lose... I know, its alot! (Go ahead and be thankful at this moment that you only have 20 or 30 or some "small" number like that! :) ) But Im looking forward to the journey and every pound I lose, I will look and feel better than gaining or staying the same! Whats not to look forward to?!  Every pound lost is one step closer to being able to do the things I have been missing out on for the last 5 years! (I am going to write a pretty real blog soon about the things I am looking forward to while losing the weight... Its a pretty crazy, sad, and exciting list!)

   This is a prayer/letter that Lysa wrote in M.T.C... I wanted to share it with you. Its my prayer now, and maybe you should adopt it as well!

"Unsettle me, Lord.
Unearth that remnant of unforgiveness.
Shake loose that justification for compromise.
Reveal that broken shard of pride.
Expose that tendency to distrust.
**Kill that spirit of criticalness. (My line added)
Unsettle me in the best kind of way.  For when I allow your touch to reach the deepest parts of me- dark and dingy and hidden away way too long- suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists, and twirls and dances through my soul.
I can DELIGHT in forgiveness and LOVE MORE DEEPLY.
I can discover a discipline that lies just beyond what I'm capable of and grab a hold of God's strength to bridge the gap.
I can recognize the beauty of humility and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.
I can rest assured though harsh winds blow,  I will be held.
Goodbye to my remnants, my rationalizations, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am nor who I was created to be.
Goodbye to shallow love, sharp words, self pity and suspicious fears. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in your distractions or destructions.
Welcome deeper love, new possibilities, unleashed intimacy, and the certainty I am held. 
Welcome my unsettled heart."
-Lysa Terkeurst

Love it. Through my journey, I am loving deeper, looking forward to all the new possibilities, the intimacy humility and getting rid of bitterness brings with God, and knowing that no matter what my situation looks like right now- I am held. I am resting in his lap... choosing to stay put and let Him love on me a while.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I wanted to share this post from another blogger... My counselor shared this with me several months ago- I can honestly say this post changed my life and started my transformation. Enjoy. Be changed. 

"The courtyard. The marble, the tall walls and the open roof. There was so much space between me and Him. I stood holding the handle of a massive dark brown door. I could leave, I knew I had the option. Did I want to leave the one consistent place in my life? No, I knew I didn't. I turned around and began walking back towards Him. I had no energy, no desire for I got down on my knees, willing myself to want Him. I stayed there, and He came to me. He knelt down, He always comes to where I am to meet me. He held His arms wide and I crawled into them. I sat there in His arms and felt how much He loved me. Once again my chest was torn open...the cavity of my ribcage exposed...and He took my heart out from me, holding it in His hands, bloody and a mess. Then He reached inside his own chest and took his heart and put it where mine had been. "You need to take my heart and show them what it's like." He said. "I am love, you cannot love without me." He continued. I nodded and watched Him put stitches down my side. As He did my eyes went quickly to my still remaining scars..."they're still there" I said sadly as I looked at the ugly twisted skin. He looked at me and said, "Grace. Every scar is there to draw attention for people to find my heart in you. They aren't going away, because each single scar has a purpose for the bigger picture of your life." I was stunned by the thought.I thought they were part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along."
Fanciful Heart Blog

"I thought they were a part of the tragedy of the consequences...I never thought they were meant to be there all along."

Our scars tell our story. They tell of the wounds that once were there..but speak of the testimony of the healing Jesus gave to us. Your scars are your testimony. Find BEAUTY IN THE SCARS.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What Depression Feels Like

Depression has always been so hard for me to describe to people. So many people think it just means that you are really sad. In reality, thats only a small part of depression. 
I was lying in bed a few nights ago and I couldn't sleep. Sometimes late at night, when Im still and lying in bed, I can feel the depression trying to creep back on. And it hit me. Depression for me feels like drowning in a deep body of water. 

I jumped off the edge into the water. I jumped with zeal and pure excitement for life. I jumped in with my whole 20 year old heart. I sank deeper and deeper. Allowing my young heart to feel everything possible. Every inch deeper representing a new circumstance, opportunity, or relationship in my life.  When I realized how far in I had gone- I began to try and come up for air. This jump I took-life- was making it hard to breathe. I must go up for air. So I began to swim...but your lungs are starting to hurt. You start to panic. And you begin to realize just how far you really are. So you swim...and swim...but you desperately need air sooner than when you know you will reach it. And it burns. Until you decide to give up. Getting to the air, life, is not worth the effort and the fight. You just wait there- dying. Wondering if someone will or even can rescue you. 

My rescue came in October of 2010. A man tried to convince my husband to leave me where I was- lifeless and drowning. And that was rock bottom for me. I decided to fight. I mustered the little strength I had and began to swim. I saw my baby boy begging me to live...for the first time in a long time, I wanted to live. 

My rescuer came in the form of a counselor. She heard and saw my struggle for air. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the surface. She handed me to Jesus. I couldn't get to Him... so she took me there. With my body and heart still in the water of depression, He cupped my face and breathed life, truth, and GRACE into my exhausted lungs. He brushed the hair back from my face and captured every tear I was crying. He commanded the waves around me, the trials in my life, to be still. 

He has pulled me up into his lap.  But sometimes I make a choice to climb out of His lap and back into the water. I make that choice by not taking every negative thought captive. And the feeling I had the other night was like starting to feel the water cover my face. I have to daily make a decision to fight back and crawl into his lap again. The waves are always lapping at my feet. They are a constant reminder of the pain and loneliness I have felt. But daily, I choose to remain in the safety of His lap and let Him speak to my waves. I'll just focus on His grace and breathe in the love He has put in my lungs.

So, with that description... I know that many times over the past few years, it has been said that I am "rude" or "different" by people just judging from the outside. I was drowning and had no hope for life. Be kind to people, and give them the benefit of the don't know what they are dealing with. You may be the person that takes them to Jesus. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

The End Of Myself

Hello world! Time to go public I guess! I love to write... Writing helps me to express what and how I am feeling. And over time, I have realized how much power there is in sharing words and thoughts...real, personal, gut honest writings. I can read something that totally changes my day because someone was being real. So, my blog may not "change" anyone...but its changing me. And I thought I would share with the chance that MAYBE, some word I say, or the words Christ gives me to say- will brighten someones day or let them know, they aren't alone. 

The reason for the blog title...

I have been reading a book called  "1000 Gifts" by Anne Voskamp . I am a multi-task reader. I like to read 5 books at one time... Weird I know. But its very hard for me to read one book at a time. One day I may need one book more than the other. Anyhow, this book is based on counting the gifts and things to be thankful for that God has blessed you with. For the first time, I really payed attention to a story that I had heard growing up many times. Its the story of Hagar and her son. 
  The specific part that stood out to me is about WANTING, truly wanting JOY in your life. Here is an excerpt...

"But how do you make yourself want joy?...When you know you're Hagar and you finally come to the end of yourself and all the water in your own canteen is gone and you know that you and your son are going to die if you don't get some joy to the lips and down the parched throat- and now; when you can no longer stand to see those you love die all around you from YOUR emptiness; when the emptiness is so dark you are driven to struggle again for joy, to cry for joy to the Joy God there and you beg, sob-remember: You have to want to see the well before you can drink from it. You have to want to see JOY, God in the moment."
Genesis 21:15-19

"When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there, she began to sob.
  God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”
 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."

That's where I have been and where I am. I am at the end of myself...and I want to see my family LIVE and not die. I want to live and not die...for the first time in a long time. 

I look forward to the comments and the discussions that may come! 
Be REAL today...its the only way to be!