Friday, June 17, 2011

The End Of Myself

Hello world! Time to go public I guess! I love to write... Writing helps me to express what and how I am feeling. And over time, I have realized how much power there is in sharing words and thoughts...real, personal, gut honest writings. I can read something that totally changes my day because someone was being real. So, my blog may not "change" anyone...but its changing me. And I thought I would share with the chance that MAYBE, some word I say, or the words Christ gives me to say- will brighten someones day or let them know, they aren't alone. 

The reason for the blog title...

I have been reading a book called  "1000 Gifts" by Anne Voskamp . I am a multi-task reader. I like to read 5 books at one time... Weird I know. But its very hard for me to read one book at a time. One day I may need one book more than the other. Anyhow, this book is based on counting the gifts and things to be thankful for that God has blessed you with. For the first time, I really payed attention to a story that I had heard growing up many times. Its the story of Hagar and her son. 
  The specific part that stood out to me is about WANTING, truly wanting JOY in your life. Here is an excerpt...

"But how do you make yourself want joy?...When you know you're Hagar and you finally come to the end of yourself and all the water in your own canteen is gone and you know that you and your son are going to die if you don't get some joy to the lips and down the parched throat- and now; when you can no longer stand to see those you love die all around you from YOUR emptiness; when the emptiness is so dark you are driven to struggle again for joy, to cry for joy to the Joy God there and you beg, sob-remember: You have to want to see the well before you can drink from it. You have to want to see JOY, God in the moment."
Genesis 21:15-19

"When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there, she began to sob.
  God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”
 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."

That's where I have been and where I am. I am at the end of myself...and I want to see my family LIVE and not die. I want to live and not die...for the first time in a long time. 

I look forward to the comments and the discussions that may come! 
Be REAL today...its the only way to be! 

1 comment:

  1. I think its great that you are being so open and vulnerable. .I too have felt this, that I just did not have what it took to go on, that it must have been a mistake that I was choosen because I am to I give all praise and glory to God that in those times He so lovingly placed beautiful Godly women around me to tell me to lean on Him but also that I had to want it for myself.. And so this blog is a beautiful thing, great and beautiful things He is doing in you and through you! Love and blessings Tracy! <3