Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What Depression Feels Like

Depression has always been so hard for me to describe to people. So many people think it just means that you are really sad. In reality, thats only a small part of depression. 
I was lying in bed a few nights ago and I couldn't sleep. Sometimes late at night, when Im still and lying in bed, I can feel the depression trying to creep back on. And it hit me. Depression for me feels like drowning in a deep body of water. 

I jumped off the edge into the water. I jumped with zeal and pure excitement for life. I jumped in with my whole 20 year old heart. I sank deeper and deeper. Allowing my young heart to feel everything possible. Every inch deeper representing a new circumstance, opportunity, or relationship in my life.  When I realized how far in I had gone- I began to try and come up for air. This jump I took-life- was making it hard to breathe. I must go up for air. So I began to swim...but your lungs are starting to hurt. You start to panic. And you begin to realize just how far you really are. So you swim...and swim...but you desperately need air sooner than when you know you will reach it. And it burns. Until you decide to give up. Getting to the air, life, is not worth the effort and the fight. You just wait there- dying. Wondering if someone will or even can rescue you. 

My rescue came in October of 2010. A man tried to convince my husband to leave me where I was- lifeless and drowning. And that was rock bottom for me. I decided to fight. I mustered the little strength I had and began to swim. I saw my baby boy begging me to live...for the first time in a long time, I wanted to live. 

My rescuer came in the form of a counselor. She heard and saw my struggle for air. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the surface. She handed me to Jesus. I couldn't get to Him... so she took me there. With my body and heart still in the water of depression, He cupped my face and breathed life, truth, and GRACE into my exhausted lungs. He brushed the hair back from my face and captured every tear I was crying. He commanded the waves around me, the trials in my life, to be still. 

He has pulled me up into his lap.  But sometimes I make a choice to climb out of His lap and back into the water. I make that choice by not taking every negative thought captive. And the feeling I had the other night was like starting to feel the water cover my face. I have to daily make a decision to fight back and crawl into his lap again. The waves are always lapping at my feet. They are a constant reminder of the pain and loneliness I have felt. But daily, I choose to remain in the safety of His lap and let Him speak to my waves. I'll just focus on His grace and breathe in the love He has put in my lungs.

So, with that description... I know that many times over the past few years, it has been said that I am "rude" or "different" by people just judging from the outside. I was drowning and had no hope for life. Be kind to people, and give them the benefit of the doubt...you don't know what they are dealing with. You may be the person that takes them to Jesus. 


  1. Mandy, what a beautiful truth. I too have had the struggle of depression, I know all to well that sinking feeling that also turns to a physical pain... praise God that He so lovingly places the beautiful people in our lives to reach for our hand and stand in that gap when we can't stand for our selves! I'm also thanking God for you my beautiful sister, that you have the courage to be so transparent, there is so much healing coming from this for you I know and for others! I love How He takes these wounds and uses them to encourage someone else! Love and blessings!!! <3

  2. Tracy, thank you so much for all of the encouraging words. I have found such great peace in sharing what Christ is doing in me. I will post something tomorrow about wounds and scars...Its a post from a blog that really started my transformation! Blessings! <3