Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 3: Who I Used To Be

So many times a week I get into an awkward funk. And so many times a week I am reminded of who I used to be. Who I was. Who I lost. How different I am. The stark contrast in my personality back then and now.

I found a dusty tub of pictures the other day. Pictures of myself in high school. Pictures of Broc and I dating. I flipped through them, and then wept. I miss me. What most people dont understand.. I didnt use to be this. I havent known "fat" all of my life. Oh sure, I thought I was "fat" in high school. Hated my thighs but still loved me. I genuinely loved myself. Cocky? No. I just loved the life I lived, the friends I kept, the church I got to be a part of, and the home life God gave me. I was a happy teen.

I remember the first thing I went through in my life that started to change my personality. My senior year of high school I met a guy.  I went to college where he was (not because thats where he was.. we met while I was visiting there). I got involved in a pretty serious relationship with this man and was emotionally and verbally abused. He would ask me to dress nicer when I would go out in public. Ask me if I was really going to wear THAT? Wanted to know where I was and who I was with. I was so "in love" I wasnt a good friend to the friends God placed in my life at college. That will forever be one of my biggest regrets is not having all the memories my friends have.  And when I finally built up the courage to leave his sorry...butt... He threw my things (no, I didnt live with him.. but you know how that goes. A sweat shirt, stuffed animal, etc etc.) out on the lawn for me to gather up by myself before I drove 3 hours home and wept the whole way. He stole alot of myself from me. Damaged me. Thats the point I can look back on and know that I had changed some. God restored alot of that damage and brought Broc into my life very soon after that. I am forever thankful for Gods timing with Broc. He showed me how a real godly man treats a woman.

But thinking about those pictures of the old me- it saddens my heart so deeply. I went from class president to avoiding people so I dont have to talk. Striking up conversations with strangers for the heck of it to wanting to throw up because I cant think of a danged thing to say to someone I dont know.

I dont know how to be over weight and still love life to the fullest. Through these 31 days, Im praying that God will teach me to love me again. Not the high school me... the awkward, anxious, many sizes bigger, momma who needs wisdom and fails alot, me. Because under neath this weight- there is still someone worth loving.


  1. This is so beautiful, Mandy! I think we all have to remind ourselves sometimes that there is still someone worth loving. You are so beautiful. Thank you for being so honest. <3

  2. well, I didn't know you in high school, and I still don't really "know" you, except via this fabulous thing called the internet, but I think you're beautiful! And your spirit shines, even amidst sharing all the "realness" here on your blog (and or FB). :)