Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Messy Post

Be forewarned, this will be ugly and messy. Its just where I'm at tonight.

Laying in bed, can't sleep. Heart as heavy as a 50 pound weight. Death. Cancer. It ticks me off. Makes me angry. Makes my heart break into a million questioning pieces. Laying in bed tonight sobbing... Broc begins to pray for Gray. A little boy who has been sent home with no hope and no options for overcoming cancer. Broc prays and pleads for God to move a mountain and give precious little Gray a miracle. As he is praying, Im sobbing and I can feel it rise up in my heart... the raw, honest, angry words: "HE WON'T! STOP ASKING HIM! HE ISN'T GOING TO DO IT." I told you this is going to be an ugly and messy one. 

I have grown so weary of "believing for a miracle" only to attend a funeral. Religious people are REALLY going to hate this post. But I have to get this off my chest and out of my heart. We all have these moments, but most of us are too afraid to admit it. 

The past couple of years, I have taken a front row seat to view death. I have never really been exposed to all of its ugly facets until the last couple of years. I have mourned the death of one of the godliest, yet relatable and loving women I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Kaye Kerley was the real deal. I can count on one hand, and not take up all of my fingers how many of those I have met. Her death bewilders me and leaves me mourning to this day. 

I have witnessed a mother being ripped away in the night by death from her sleeping babies. A dream of watching her hearts grow up and accomplish great things be snuffed out. Oh how I remember that time. I remember holding Harper, her crying, me bawling, begging her take a bottle because she couldn't eat from the only source she had known- her mothers breast. I remember driving one night after leaving her home and her little baby- I was screaming...Im talking, dont have a voice the next day screaming at God. Hitting the steering wheel. Telling Him I don't trust Him. I don't trust Him not to take Izaiah away from me or vice versa. How could He? Where was He? To tell you the truth, I still feel that pang in my heart from losing Christi every now and then. The pang of not wanting to trust Him.

And then there's Gray. I'm not going to pretend to be super close to the family and all. I grew up knowing his parents in the same church, but I am not a close friend. But, being a momma is quite the equalizer. It's my mommas heart that is angry and sobbing tonight. My mommas heart that has lead me into Izaiah's room tonight several times just to touch him and reassure myself that he is ok. The book "You Are Captivating- Celebrating A Mothers Heart" by Staci Eldredge (A MUST READ! VERY SHORT BOOK) says that children are our hearts (mothers hearts) out roaming this scary world. We feel everything that they feel. Knowing that to be true, my heart feels like it could explode tonight thinking about Grays momma Jill. 

So here I am. In all my questioning, angry mess. I love Christ. But my heart is hurting. The only thing good I can dwell on tonight is the sermon I heard Easter Sunday at my amazing church. Josh Kouri said, we were not created with death in mind. Death was not suppose to happen for us. Sin brought on death, disease and aging. There will NEVER be anything right or ok about going to a funeral to bury a child. Its not right and its not ok. It grieves God as well. But because of sin, we must face death. Not comforting at this moment. But its the only truth I have to hold on to tonight. 

Please, no churchy cliches. :) I cant handle them tonight and I pretty much know them all. Sometimes, the only thing that helps on nights like tonight is being silent with God. Just let my heart and my tears do the communicating. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. 

P.S. There are several other deaths I have walked through or watched people close to me walk through, but these are the ones weighing on me tonight. 

Please go over and read precious Grays story and commit to praying for this family.

Here is the book I was talking about. PLEASE GIVE IT TO EVERY MOTHER YOU KNOW FOR MOTHERS DAY. It only takes about 30 minutes to read, and its cheap. But its amazing. 

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