Thursday, April 5, 2012

Its Enough

The pressure of writing a GREAT blog is at times suffocating. So suffocating in fact, I just decide not to write one at all. Im trying to overcome that. I want to blog more often. Im trying to teach myself that blog posts don't all have to be deep, thought provoking, and earth shattering. They can be simple. A recipe. An update. Whatever. So here. Here is my non-earth shattering blog post. Maybe I shall tell you about the song that has been in my head this afternoon. Can't get it out. 

There is no guilt here.
There is no shame.
No pointing fingers. 
There is no blame
What happened yesterday had disappeared 
The dirt has washed away
And now its clear...

There's only grace. 
There's only love.
There's only mercy and believe me its enough.
Yours sins are gone
without a trace. 
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace.
-Matthew West

I think I have this song in my head because of an incident that happened while at the mall today with Z. I woke up this morning.. curled my hair (rare), put my clothes on (fitting a bit looser these days! Yahoo!), feeling pretty good. Felt brave so I took Z to the mall to play in the play area since it was still cool outside. Went well. He wanted "mall pizza" so i took him down to the food court and thats where it all went south. He saw the ever loving Disney store from our table. UUUUGGGHHHH. Didn't wanna eat... Didn't wanna sit still....Just wanted to go to "that STORE!". So. I say a prayer (literally) and tell him in the kindest yet sternest voice I can muster..."We can go LOOK. We are NOT BUYING ANY TOOOOOOYS. If you decide to behave in an ugly way- we will leave and you will be in trouble." Understood. We go in and he is in heaven. I walked beside him and admired every toy for 20 minutes. It was time to go. Broc was waiting on us to pick him up for lunch. So, I pray again (literally) and bent down to tell him he had 2 more minutes before it was time to go and reminded him of his earlier directions. Then it all hits the fan. He sees something he decides he just CANNOT live without.... and all hell breaks loose right there in the Disney Store. You would have thought I was killing the child. And by the looks I was receiving, people did think that. And of course I had to park so far away from where the fit was taking place. I had to make a decision between the bathroom and getting to the car. Both were the same distance. So I chose the car and started the path of fury to my car. Kicking, screaming and yelling his NEW latest phrase "GET YO HANDS OFF ME!" and "Youre hurting me!!". Yeah that one got some lookers. Took 10 minutes to get outside the mall and into the car where my temper got the best of me and damaged him. 

 And I think this is where the song has kicked in this afternoon. Jesus gently reminding me that there is only grace when I lose it. Lets face it, we all lose it. I screamed and yelled. And I keep having the image of my little 3 year old who has a sensory issue with loud noise holding his hands over his ears while I indulge myself in feeling better by yelling at him. Lovely image, I know. Just being real. So. No matter how many times we mess up, there is only grace. Im thankful for grace from my favoritest little blue eyed boy in the world.. and also from my Savior. 

.......Ok, this ended up a little deeper than I had anticipated. Ha! Guess I needed to vent and share! Hope it reaches somebody that needs it! <3


  1. Then it was meant for you! :) Thank you.

  2. Mandy your patience and love for this child amazes me. You have been thru so much this year yet you keep your head up. This brought tears to my eyes. You are brave enough to be what most people arent..REAL. Wish we could have had our lunch that day..but we will and it will be deep i promise :) love to you!

  3. I love you and that little man so much. You are an AMAZING momma and most people just do not get it. I will never EVER judge anyone because you just do not ever know the situation. We all lost it from time to time. I had to apologize to Preston earlier this week for letting my temper get out of control. Love that song too!

  4. We have had our fair share of mall melt-downs! It ALWAYS happens farthest from the car! Thankfully for a really bad one (after not wanting to leave the play area) we had a stroller, but that didn't stop the kicking and screaming all way through the mall! I was with a friend who had her infant daughter with her, who did not yet understand the joys of parenting a toddler. I am always aware of the looks, I think most of the judgement comes from people who dont have kids (or people who have forgotten what their kids were really like) I just think to myself "just wait you'll get yours, we all do." I totally understand the guilt of losing it. I always just feel sick with the ugly shrill tone after totally losing my temper. We all do it. His Grace is enough!!! I honestly think kids remember the good stuff more than the bad. Isaiah will probably just remember a fun day with his Mamma years down the road. OUr kids bring out the best and worst in us. There is no refining fire like parenthood (marriage also for that matter)! Just think of what patient, saintly women we will be one day!
    Love you,