I will never forget the attack that day. October 11th, 2010. I was personally, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally attacked. I will never forget my husband coming home while Izaiah was down for a nap and telling me the things that were said about me. So vividly I remember falling onto the dining room floor and crying in emotional pain. My spirit and my joy were dead... and this attack pushed me over the edge. Broc left to go back to work and I remember sitting alone on the couch, tears streaming down my face... It was then I started to think about how much easier it would be if I weren't alive. I wouldn't feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life. I wouldn't feel and people couldn't say, I was "unfit for ministry" anymore. I wouldn't torment myself for not being the wife that my sweet husband married. And I wouldn't have guilt for not being the mommy I always dreamed of being for my son.... My son.... I remember feeling like I was going to throw up when I started to think about him and not living anymore in the same thought process. I couldn't bare the thought. Even if I wasn't the best mom... I couldn't bare the thought of him growing up without me. And in that moment...I was ready for help and ready to be rescued by Jesus.
I remember picking up the phone and calling the counselor I went to see a year before. She took my call and said, "I remember you..." I went once but I never went back... I wasn't ready. But this time it was different. I had reached the end of myself. I had two options, death or life. And I was ready to choose and work at life.
I will never forget sitting in her office. I sobbed and told her of my recent life... told her of the recent attack. She sat and cried with me. Told me she got it. And most important... She looked me in the eyes, knelt down on the floor in front of me, put her hand on my knees and told me, "Jesus wants to set you free......" No one had ever told me that... and I sure had never felt the truth in that statement like I did that day. With her commitment to walk with me, I decided to walk the journey to be set free.
It hasn't been easy. I, we (Broc and I) have lost alot of "things" and people we thought were friends along the way. But we wouldn't trade any of it for the last year of our lives. Jesus has brought me, us so far. And He truly is still setting me free. There are still days its a struggle and I could easily slip on back down to where He rescued me from., but I daily choose joy.
I love you Mandy! I am so thankful that because God has brought you so far, you are able to encourage me! I too choose joy daily!
ReplyDeleteEmily <3