A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today.. my life changed forever. I decided to get help and I decided I was worth the journey to freedom.

I will never forget the attack that day. October 11th, 2010.  I was personally, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally attacked. I will never forget my husband coming home while Izaiah was down for a nap and telling me the things that were said about me. So vividly I remember falling onto the dining room floor and crying in emotional pain. My spirit and my joy were dead... and this attack pushed me over the edge. Broc left to go back to work and I remember sitting alone on the couch, tears streaming down my face... It was then I started to think about how much easier it would be if I weren't alive. I wouldn't feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life. I wouldn't feel and people couldn't say, I was "unfit for ministry" anymore. I wouldn't torment myself for not being the wife that my sweet husband married. And I wouldn't have guilt for not being the mommy I always dreamed of being for my son.... My son.... I remember feeling like I was going to throw up when I started to think about him and not living anymore in the same thought process. I couldn't bare the thought. Even if I wasn't the best mom... I couldn't bare the thought of him growing up without me. And in that moment...I was ready for help and ready to be rescued by Jesus.

I remember picking up the phone and calling the counselor I went to see a year before. She took my call and said, "I remember you..." I went once but I never went back... I wasn't ready. But this time it was different. I had reached the end of myself.  I had two options, death or life. And I was ready to choose and work at life.

I will never forget sitting in her office. I sobbed and told her of my recent life... told her of the recent attack. She sat and cried with me. Told me she got it. And most important... She looked me in the eyes, knelt down on the floor in front of me, put her hand on my knees and told me, "Jesus wants to set you free......" No one had ever told me that... and I sure had never felt the truth in that statement like I did that day. With her commitment to walk with me, I decided to walk the journey to be set free.

It hasn't been easy. I, we (Broc and I) have lost alot of "things" and people we thought were friends along the way. But we wouldn't trade any of it for the last year of our lives. Jesus has brought me, us so far. And He truly is still setting me free. There are still days its a struggle and I could easily slip on back down to where He rescued me from., but I daily choose joy. 

If you struggle with depression and contemplating whether or not your life is worth living anymore, get help. Choose joy and take the journey. Message me. I would love to connect and give you the name of the woman who chose to invest in me. Blessings!

The Doctors Visit

Today, I feel numb and strong all at the same time. I feel well informed one minute, and totally lost and clueless the next. I smile at one sentence and cry at the next. Today... I am very in touch with living fully right where I am at.

We went to the doctor yesterday... I sat through the visit I have been avoiding for 2 years. The visit thats been scheduled, written on a little business card that hangs on the fridge, for a month. The visit that I tried to find a reason to cancel even up till the last minute while sitting in the waiting room. The one I put off allowing myself to really think about until the night before. The visit where my blue eyed boys doctor would look us in the eye and say, "I have a high suspicion of High Functioning Autism and Aspergers."

For the past 24 hours I have had the last 3+ years flashing through my mind like old videos caught on tape. The good, the hard, the sad, the funny... And I question and I find answers all at the same time. "This is why this was like it was..." "This is why he did this..." "This is why he didn't do this..." I am emotionally exhausted. The word Autism forces you to examine everything you know of and have known through another lens.  It forces you to think about a future that no mom should ever have to wonder about. But thats where we are.

I watch my baby play and thoughts flood my mind... Some too painful to share here. Your mind wonders... but the thing it wonders and parks at the most- is the blessing God has given us. Izaiah is a gentle and kind loving boy. He loves life and Lightning Mcqueen :) He has a family that is dedicated to help him succeed in every way possible.  HE HAS A BRIGHT AND PROMISING FUTURE. 

Before he was formed in my womb, Christ knew him and loved him. He has a plan and a purpose and it will come to pass! 

I ask that you keep our family in your prayers. We are holding up well, but there are moments of utter pain that cant even be expressed by words. We found out today we wont even be able to get in to see the specialist he is needing to see for the official diagnosis until February. I am devastated by that. To make a mom wait and wonder seems unfair but its just what it is. Also, read up on high functioning autism and Aspergers and make yourself familiar and aware of it. But, with that being said, know that Izaiah is on the very low end of it all, so there are alot of things that Izaiah can do- and we are very thankful for that! 

Our Own Flavor

" Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage." Matthew 5: 13 The Message Bible

This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning.. We are to be SALT to BRING OUT the God FLAVORS of the earth! My first thought..we as christians have become our OWN FLAVORS. We arent content with just being salt. We want to be garlic or thyme or basil. Ha. God has simply called and made us to be salt to COMPLIMENT His attributes and flavors of this earth. That's where we as christians have lost it. We rush into a situations of a hurting world, and instead of stepping back and letting God use our salt to flavor and bring healing- we flair up and impose garlic, or SELF on the hurting people. And garlic is good, but salt is lasting when it brings out the God flavors- and its what people were created to need.


Stop trying to figure out and be your own flavor, and get in the word of God see what salt is suppose to look like and do. Just be salt.

Legacy Of A Godly Grandma

Every wrinkle tells a story... Of love won and lost, joy alive and dead, laughter and tears. Those eyes, so full of words unsaid. Mouth so curvy with love expressed through kisses and 'I love yous'. My throat feels choked with tears when I look at your hands and realize those are the same hands that held me the day I was born, that held mine walking after dinner down a dirt road as a little girl, that carressed my face and wiped the tears the day I said I do. And now, those same hands run cars down my hallway with blonde skinny boy who holds my delight. The laughter is the music I move to in my kitchen tonight. The shrills and squeals of a boy so in love with the woman who held my world as a little girl. I never could wait to get to where you were... I found myself in that same anticipation as you were driving to where I live this week. I couldn't wait to be where you were.

I realized laying in bed tonight... You are the only person in my life I have never been angry towards. Grandparents should be the place you go when you're mad at your parents. :) I'm thankful everyday that Izaiah has that because you passed it down to my parents. He can't wait to get to where they are. They are his gift in life, as you are mine. I cherish you. I want to have a photographic memory when it comes to you. I want to remember everything there is to know and see of you. You are and always have been the essence of beauty. Thank you for leaving a legacy that Izaiahs Nonnie is stepping into and doing it well. We are a blessed family. I love you.

Chicken Meatballs

Here is a recipe for a lower fat, scrumptious meatball recipe! We loved it! And they were about a point each! :)

Chicken Meatballs

(To be used in spaghetti or a meatball sub!)

(These look just like mine- except mine didn't have any green 

onions :) )

1 pound of Ground Chicken (lean)

1 Egg

2 Tbsp Bread Crumbs (Italian or original..i use original)

1/4 Cup Parmesan Cheese, grated (I guessed on this amount.

Adjust to your liking)

1 Tsp Dried Minced Onions

1/2 Tsp Garlic Salt

1 Wedge of Sundried Tomato Laughing Cow

(Umm..if you have never had these...Go get them NOW! 

They are good in everything and excellent as a snack with

pita crackers!!)

Mix and mash all ingredients together in a large bowl! Make sure the

Laughing Cow Wedge is mixed in very well. 

Spray cooking spray in a casserole dish. 

Roll into meatballs. I made 5 rows of 4 meatballs..which gave me 20 

small meatballs. I cooked on 375 degrees..i dont remember for how long...

But i kept an eye on them and turned them when i saw the bottom side

getting brown. I flipped them to as many sides as i could to get most of

the meatball brown. 

We ate these with corn, spaghetti sauce, and wheat noodles! 

ENJOY!

Butternut Squash French Fries Oh My!

Not everything on my blog has to be deep and profound..We can talk about FOOD too! :) Im going to be posting a few recipes that I have enjoyed lately, and some that I am still wanting to try! 


I  can honestly say, that this recipe blows my mind. I am IN LOVE with butternut squash. Bake it, fry it, casserole it, puree it... Its AMAZING. Here is my recipe:

BUTTERNUT SQUASH FRENCH FRIES

(Healthier than deep fat fried potatoes!)

(These in the pic are baked and not fried..but they give you an 

idea of the shape and all!)

Ingredients:

1 medium/large Butternut Squash

1 Cup of Flour

1/2 Cup of Parmesan Cheese, grated

1/2 tbsp Tony Chacheras Seasoning (I HIGHLY suggest everyone have this in your

spices. I use it on EVERYTHING that I cook...meat, veggies, etc.)

1/2 tsp Garlic Salt

Pepper to Taste

Extra Virgin Olive Oil to cover pan on stove

Enough milk to soak BNS in after cut

Peel BNS (Butternut Squash) with a potato peeler. 

Cut off two ends (top and bottom) 

Cut in half lengthwise 

Scoop out the insides seeds and all

Cut the BNS into "french fry wedges"

The BNS will be very tough to cut...stick to it :) Its worth it!

Put the BNS wedges in milk and let them soak for 

a couple minutes

Mix the flour, parmesan, Tony Chacheras, and Garlic Salt

in a bowl. Take the wedges out of the milk and roll them around

in the flour mixture. 

While you are doing this, have the EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)

heating in a large skillet on the stove on a little under medium heat. You

dont want to burn the EVOO. If it starts to smoke, its burning.

When the oil is hot enough (drop a peace of flour in and see if it

sizzles and bubbles..if so its hot enough,  if not-wait a minute) drop several 

BNS wedges in.

Turn several times to ensure all sides are browning... and WALLAH! :)

Im not going to give a WW Points plus count on this because its depends on 

how much of everything you end up needing. 

P.S. I had too much BNS so i didnt use it all. Just used what

I had enough ingredients for.

I always guess when im doing a new recipe so these measurements are

not exact. Look at it for your taste and adjust for your liking! 

ENJOY!!

I Felt Beautiful

I felt beautiful this night. 

Outwardly, yes. But most of all, inwardly. 

I could feel the changes that have been 

taking place somewhere deep in my soul.

They were rising to the surface this night. 

I felt confident and free spirited. 

Something about a whimsical, beautiful wedding

of a breathtaking bride- pure in

every sense of the word- that makes

you smile, soul to face.

She (the bride) truly was, is, breathtaking.

I will never forget her or her handsome 

groom that night... but more than that,

 I will never forget the "me"coming out.

 Broc smiled at me as 

we were dancing under the stars

and gorgeous mason jar lights...

 and in his eyes I could read what I was feeling...

the depression was gone that night, 

and the free spirited, lover of life he

married was back... and we were

truly enjoying life. 

We danced, took pictures, laughed, 

drank some scrumptious champagne,

(well, I did..."pastor Broc" didnt :))

and mingled with friends of a lifetime.

It was a night to remember. 

I can still picture it in my heart. 

And I will go back to that night

anytime I wanna give up. 

I felt beautiful, I am beautiful.

This is the journey I am traveling.